How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times, by Robbie Miller Kaplan, New York: Prentice Hall Press; 2004. 267 pages, $15.95 (paperback).

How to Say it When You Don't Know What to Say is more than a how-to book on writing sympathy notes. This comprehensive guide aims to help readers understand the grieving process and to console the bereaved-in writing, on the phone, and in daily contacts. Kaplan's exhaustive manual appeals to general readers and helping professionals alike. Overall, it aids anyone searching for consoling words to offer anguished friends or loved ones and serves as a refresher on grief for healthcare workers who support people working through loss.

This useful source is divided into 5 sections, each steeped with information. Part 1 covers the grief process and mourning. Part 2 discusses communication techniques that aid healing. The final sections offer insights into illness, death, and suffering, including topics often overlooked in such books. Among them are miscarriage, infertility, mental illness, violent and nonviolent crimes, divorce, natural disasters, terrorism, job loss, pet loss, and personal disappointments like a broken engagement or a foiled dream. The scope seems endless.

Who has not stared at a blank note card, agonizing over what to say? When the precise words do not flow, as they rarely do, some people put off letter writing altogether. That is a mistake. Sincere communication can play a key role in one's emotional healing. "Sympathy notes are treasured remembrances," the author says. "They become tangible reminders of how others care for us, and they often help us deal with loss." Model condolence notes supplement each chapter and cover everything from sickness to death to car theft to a criminal investigation of a friend's child. These samples will improve and inspire your own correspondence. For example, a statement like "Let me know what I can do" is often used but highly discouraged. The sentiment is sincere, the author says, but it puts a burden on the one you're trying to assist. Instead, offer specific help. Also included are lists of what not to say and do around the grief-stricken, such as compare your pain and experience to theirs. The lists are extremely useful, especially those dealing with more infrequent issues like crime, terrorism, legal problems, and other personal matters. A chapter on financial trouble lists the emotions and feelings to expect from someone with major money problems. What does one say to a friend facing bankruptcy? "I'm so sorry this is happening" is a good start. Job loss is another thorny issue that begs support. Whether downsized or fired, the jobless mourn lost income as well as the loss of coworkers, routine and security. "Death of an Adult," another key chapter, describes the funeral and mourning customs of major religions and cultures. "How to Communicate in Writing" answers several nagging questions: handwritten condolences are preferred but a typed letter will do. If you write to a coworker, include your return home address so the receiver can respond. An e-mail condolence is acceptable but it is clearly less personal than a written note.

I have never read a better, more complete book in this genre. Kaplan's well-organized guide is straightforward and helpful on many levels. The only entry missing, it seems, is military casualties, but this topic may appear in a later edition. Otherwise, the author leaves virtually no question unanswered, no issue uncovered. The book's pleasing layout includes appropriate highlighting, bulleted points and generous white space. Also included are an exceptional index, helpful cross-references, professional contacts, and a bibliography following each chapter. Finally, the author's own story of loss, revealed in the introduction, inspired this important, enlightening book.

-Janice Tigar-Kramer

Reference Librarian, Oakland University, Rochester, MI