MAYDAY!! Mayday!! Rummy Bears Bite!! Wikki Peed!! Allie G & RP in HPV Death Match!! Doing my very, very best to avoid the hohum humdrum of working in the Compound and avoiding the pain inflicted by one more precert request to document the rationale for rxing zyrtec (including the PetKo-yes PetKo and forgive the long runon rambler of a sentence but will explain more in later TL-Triple 3 Woofy Golden Rule-have you tried at least 3 alternatives to Zyrtec for at least 3 months apiece with no reduction of nasal misery and can you supply at least 3 peer-reviewed articles supporting its cost efficiency-and finally, to prove that you are a bonafide primary care Provider-you must call one of our well-trained Customer Service Trainees and bark like a dawg), I accepted DR's offer to serve as Secretary of GunShotWounds-aka Medical Director & Chief Defibrillator-at the South Texas hunting lodge opened by Rummy and Tommy DeLay after both got the Presidential "boot up our Hummer" per TD.
They named the spread Ann's Place-TomBo's favorite hunting buddy and a great way to market 100% nonpartisan for all "our Guns & Ammo brothers and sisters" who can "tell the difference between a 16-point buck and Dick Cheney's hanging jowls."
Plus doing the manly stuff with wealthy Big Dawgs would create a WDD (Weapons of Deer Destruction) diversion from the lights-out memories of DR's Baghdad Bogdown. Of course, I quickly pointed out that I was totally unqualified to treat GSWs.
"Hey Doc, lighten up. We banned Dicky C from the premises. But, just in case, we've got the shocker plugged into your vehicle at all times, and we're only 90 minutes by copter from Uvalde Memorial.
"I quietly mentioned that an AED would be a small finger in a gaping hole in the dike when we're talking major gunshotwound.
But Rummy refused to listen and, in fact, poo-pooed the whole GSW thing: "Dammit, Doc, nobody's getting shot on my watch!! Now crank up your iPod and enjoy a little MegaDeth. Better yet, have a couple of Rummy Bears on the house and you'll be surrounded by Big Bucks in no time."
DR had imported a prolific female elk from Sweden named Wiki whose urine was an awesome estrogen-laced magnet for unsuspecting Big Buck Deer. So Rummy recruited Wiki and 10 Swedish uro-specialists who harvested Wiki's pee (do not even think of asking how) and converted it into these gooey awful-tasting globs that, when chewed, guaranteed any buck within 5 miles would be hypnotically drawn within 10 delicious yards of your BuckBlind.
Sounds (and believe me TASTED) totally disgusting but Rummy Bears have been wildly successful with the G&A 12-gauge crowd. Needless to say, DR's self-esteem has taken off like a rocket-propelled grenade.
Ann's Place was overrun with satisfied executives and doughy Congressmen who were there to check out the "environmental impact" of Rummy Bears on illegal immigrants roaming on South Texas ranches.
Needless to say, I had learned how to keep my golfcart and AED batteries charged at all times. Moreover, what a DEAL!! No patients and no PreCert blues!!
So it was with genuine terror and horror when I heard the piercing shouts in the South Texas night: "Immigracion!!"
The Swedes all panicked when the Federales asked for their Green Cards: "Tarjetas verdes!! Tarjetas verdes!!"
The Swedes spoke zero English except one phrase repeated multiple times: "Wiki peed!! Wiki peed!!"
By the time you can say "Stockholm Rocks," the Swedes had been CareFlited to and dumped in Nuevo Laredo to fend for themselves.
Total balls-against-the-wall panic does not begin to describe the reaction Rummy had to the "senseless intrusion and waste of my I-RAQ targeted tax dollars" by Los Federales. TD went ballistic and wanted to know how many narco-terrorists were roaming our unfenced borders because of this senseless assault on Swedish private enterprise.
But, in a masterful stroke of political improvisation, TomBo got the great AllieG to resign as Attorney General and challenge the great guv of Tejas-Rico Perry- to a Texas Death Match, with the winner getting an exclusive contract to market the HPV vaccine to The Republic of Texas and all its contiguous colonies. Can you spell timely diversion? But would this HPV-tinged smokescreen cover Wiki's Swedish tracks? Don't ask/Don't tell-to quote DR's blunt order to yours truly.
Would I bail and end up barking with the PetKo crew? Or would I pull a LibbyLu and spring a Foxy leak? Woof Woof!!