MAYDAY!! Mayday!! Jimmy Jack cracks!! Jimmy Jack cracks!! (And I don't mean Korn.) So guess who pays the Ultimate Price? But how, you ask, did Judge JJ end up facing off against Babs, George Hermann, & Shaq Daddy over a few stray 85-year-old crow's feet?

Well I blame it on The Hammer cause he shamelessly instigated the whole brouhaha to promote his new PFP (pay for perfect wrinkle-freeHappyFace) Web site. Had your fill of WMD? Up to your gills in The Rummer's inability to buy a few used Hummers on sale at Micky Eisner's Used Carland? Then read on & find out how Bernie Shox-The Texas Hammer-who taught me all I need to know about judging in his 3-hour e-judge course, Bailing for Dollars-lured Babs to Fritch to make a legal mockery of my courtroom. What I thought was a simple case of let's give Babs Bush a little leverage with her HMO formulary's anti-crowfeet bias turned into the Botox Rumble & led Judge Jimmy Jack to the gates of Judicial Purgatory. I mean, how much abuse can one humble, cash-starved West Texas judge take without losing his judicial ID?

I can only tell you that Judge JJ learned that disrespect is alive & kicking in Fritch. However, Judge Jimmy Jack bowed up to the intense (& more than subtly incontinent) Botox Pressure & faces disbarment, dismemberment, & the possibility of a huge civil suit from George Hermann & The Babster all because of an untimely, evil Oreo Blizzard Bomb that exploded in my judicious lap.

So let me outline the basic legal principle at risk: every man, woman, & gender-uncertain person under the age of 65 is entitled to a minimum of 3-& a max of 6-Botox treatments. In order to rehabilitate, you must rejuvenate. Look it up. After 65, you are on your own-suck it up & deal with it. So Babs is peeved because her HMO-Plasticare-refused to buck the US Constitution & grant her an over-65 exemption.

Now here is where things get real complicated. Bernie-The Hammer-has visions of a constitutional coup that would turn into a whopper of a class action suit. Babs Bush, Shaq Daddy, et al vs Plasticare, the other dirtbag managed care putzes who would use age as a criteria for granting potentially wrinkle-saving & obviously life-extending treatment.

Understand the weird alliance between Barbara the Gorgeous-wannabe & Shaq? The Bushes (& yes that includes Crawford prodigy GW, Laura, & Karl) sang backup on The Shaqster's new hiphop CD-Kobe Bites, which includes the hit rap-Pass Me the Damn Ball Kobe or I Will Shove It in Your Ugly Face!!

Plus Shaq is also peeved cause the Heat's managed care plan-Miami Vice-totally blows & provides no plastic surgery benefits. As he put it, "How can any man support his family on 20 million a year & still have money left over in their cheapass Health Savings Account to pay for Botox treatments & buy the kids new Nintendos?"

Shaq naturally parachutes into Fritch as a PR move to promote Kobe Bites (KB). However, Shaq is scared out of his gourd to jump solo, so he rides tandem with Mrs Babs. Prudently, he makes her take the bottom bunk & hangs onto her broad shoulders the whole way down. Quite a sight, &, according to Shaq, a helluva ride.

Quite frankly, The Hammer thought he had a slam dunk steering the case into Judge JJ's domicile. Babsy, GH, GW, & Shaq were sitting in the front row expecting Jimmy Jack to make a per-funktory ruling in their favor & were about to break out into Shaq's new rap: Bling Bling Botox (& Kobe Chokes Again). But The Hammer gets greedy & tells Triple J that he is reneging on his solemn oath to pay Jimmy Jack's usual & customary court costs & judicial fee for service. Turn the tables? Not in Jimmy Jack's House. So Judge JJ issues a judge nullification order blowing the suit up & throwing it out as constitutionally (& financially) unacceptable.

All I can tell you is that I was giving my bailiff Dick The Patriot Cheney (yes VP Dick was moonlighting to make up for his Halliburton stock tanking) a few victory chestbumps when the ill-timed Butterfinger Blizzard flew out of the front row, splattered all over my judicial robes, & came damn close to clocking Big Dick in his good eye.

Well, to put it bluntly, Judge Jimmy Jack snapped (as did the outraged Big Dick) & we leaped into the crowd, & judicial & physical chaos ensued. But, as Dick & I sit here in the Fritch City Pokey, I am tearing up with fear & dread & the loss of my legal dignity. Plus the reporters from Fritch TV are here & Dick is hogging the only set of nose clippers in the whole damn jail. So I gotta go relive my Blizzard-induced Booboo one more time-how much pain & suffering can one man handle? You be the judge, &, if you agree with my cause, send lots of your financial love to The Jimmy Jack Fund. And next time I will tell you how Babs threw down with Triple J & lived to take my britches to the financial cleaners.