MAYDAY!! Mayday!! Spam Surprise!! Spam Surprise!! Stewie leads the break!! And National Legal Insurance (NLI) takes it in the shorts--I am your basic Attica peon (AKA Penal Implant), but ScamWorks denied. I know that, technically speaking, I am Attica Penal Implant, but I relish my role as a judicial warrior, fighting for NLI.

In fact, I am--or was--engaged in intense negotiations with ScamWorks to sync with their rollout of Scamwork Imaginue (SWI), which promises to blow PS2 and XBOX totally out of the water.

So yes, I did have dreams of a kickass/Gingju Master interactive game of all games--NLI on SWI would have been too tough to handle for my wimpy PS2 pretenders.

But that was before Martha Stew threw down her Spam Challenge on the Primetime Prison Network's (PPN's) Shank Chef--a bitter, mano-a-mano cookoff that ended with a shocking Attica moment of truth.

Stewie vs Q-ee. The first annual Shank Chef Cookoff to be televised to thousands of hungry inmates throughout the penal system.

The recipe for greatness? Caller participation and suggestions for the next ingredient direct from the live and previously convicted members of the audience. Martha Stew and Frankie Q were both pumped up for their face time on the PPN.

As a member of Stewie's Primetime Posse, I manned the Attica hotline taking personal requests from the viewing PPN audience. Stewie started laying down her "I'm a big dawg chef" routine by first lecturing to her viewers about the virtues of keeping their shanks sharp: "There is nothing more frustrating than a dull shank." She recommends using a heavy concrete block because it sharpens your culinary shank well enough to slice off the tip of a chief financial officer's slick fingers. And BAM!! She proceeded to chop off Frodo's left third distal phalanx, with an appropriate Ninja grunt, lopped it off, and sent it spinning wildly into the second row of the PPN peeps.

The live studio/prison audience was hugely amped up by this decisive culinary opening move. And, before Frankie Q could respond, she whacked off his entire right thumb in a macha show of gratuitous gore.

Frankie may be an original Wall Street blueblood but he was spurting good old American red as he whimpered off-camera.

"Let's go to the phones," Stewie commanded. And who are we to argue?

"Yeah, this is Mongo from the Warden's private suite--we think you need to make your special Spam Surprise. Which means your first two ingredients are 50 lb of prime Spam sauteed lightly with two buckets of grade A Crisco."

(Standing ovation from the audience). Dr Dre chimes in from the security guard video room: I think you toss in 10 lb of Attica truffles--aka canned supersized mushrooms--and boil them with a little 100-lb bag of fresh instant potato flakes.

Stewie stirs the ingredients together as she adds her own personal favorite to this Spam extraordinaire she is whipping up--a hundred (you can spell that out--100) 5 mg Valium tablets crushed superfine, using prison pumace, to add a calming, soothing touch to her special Memorial Day breakout version of Spam Surprise.

As Frankie Q lay in the corner bleeding out, Stewie caps off the program and wows her turbo-charged audience by refusing to serve the peon convicts, including her Primetime Posse, in a seemingly gratuitous attempt to suck up to the prison homies, that is, guards. Stewie served the guards huge man-eating portions of her Spam master-piece.

Not only did Martha Stew score a shutout in the Shank Chef Cookoff, she led the breakout from Attica as the guards fell into a Valium-laced stupor.

But Stewie left me behind. She had no use for a poor Doctor Without Assets and left me cuffed to Frankie Q with an empty Valium bottle taped to my yapper.

So now my charges include acting as chief accomplice for the Stewie Valium breakout. But she also stole my NLI on SWI game cartridge and plans to cut her own deal--from Belize--with the ScamWorks Dream Team.

Will I ever realize my dream of turning any mercenary profits from my original, patent-protected idea of NLI? Stay tuned, as Frankie Q and yours truly turn the Valium tables on Martha Stew.