MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Droneskis Headed for UkeCare! Pooter Swears Crimean FratRats Fired MisGuided PartyToy! PhiSmelts Fire Back at Vladdie with HotTater Gun! Hot Messki Blamed on Bad Batch of Polish Potaters by Pooter! UkeCare Blown Up by Messy Potato Drone Disguised as 5Ruble FamilyPak! Uke Press Nails Vladdie for Blaming Incompetent Mystery TeeParty Senators! PooterSpeak: Not My Messki! Meghon Kelinovitch UKK CommandoCorrespondent Squeezes Vladdie for Names of TeeParty PotatoGunners!

Amerikan Name Amerikan Name! Less Than 10 Amerikans Polled by Jeemy Keemel Know TeeParty Moron Senate Guys. I am not sitting in US Senate making Laser-Guided French-Fried Droneskis. When B-Rock hands Amerikan key to cookie jar over to The Frumpster, I will hire The Don's good-looking roommate to teach Vladdie names of TeeParty chefs who cooked up whole mess. Besides, UkeCare asked me personally to intervene on behalf of Uke orphans turned away by renegade US baby doc running counterfeit Huggeeze buziness. So any HotPotato MiniMissiles used in cleaning up Uke Healthcare scam were made and launched to free little Uke babies from Obamawama Care dude's ruble-hungry sticky fingers.

Vladdie snarls at UKK "ugly broad" for her "cheep, JCPenovitch powderpuff makeup stuff" and "fake Charlie Roses sincerity." When blasted by Meghon K for personal "verbal Droneski attack," The Pooterman tells her that, although you have "legs of BruceyGinner and abs of Linda Rooskey, I have never attacked you on your looks, despite the voluminous subject matter your CrossKit body gives and keeps on giving."

Needless to say, I write this dispatch from deep in the heart of unnamed (and unknown to Vladdie, The Don, and all current and ex-members of TheVue) Mobile Medical Truck donated by my PhiSmelt bros in the heartland of SovietCrimea FratLand. I have sworn all to double secret, waterboard probation if anybody dares to take a publicity-driven leak on my whereabouts. However, since my column is read only by respected academic truthers who would never ever give me up to all the frothy Tweat-infested Russky press, I will tell you I have resurfaced at my double-wide deep in the heart of TheCompound. Thanks to BillyBob Clinton for his nonrefundable sale of Hillrie's personal, slitely used Tesla-skates, I whizzed into the not-so-loving arms of TheCompound silently and charged up with plenty of juice left in my electronic wheels to get me to my precious Texas mobile paradise.

But I am happy to say that I have been rehired by my former bosses, who tell me my Compound Loan, which I owe The Don, will be paid off in 10 years if I adhere to the DonaldFrump Compound Code of Ethics. As best I can tell, that means if I do not miss a payment to my boy Donny's legal team and see at least 40 (yes-that is cuarenta in Spanish speak) kiddos a day while speaking only Amerikan as long as I work or live on Frump Soil.

I signed my contract, which included the wording in the paragraph above, and I AM happy to report that my new FrumpDell laptop works like a dream, especially in its unique ability to deliver a "very low but meaningful voltage shock" to the "User" who does not comply with all Meaningless Use Data and Documentation requirement for each and every FrumpCare client (ie, kiddo patient) seen by your truly. We are all important members of the D and D Team, so if I fail to do totally diligent Data and Documentation on any given client on any given day, every member of the D and D Team gets the same low-voltage electric "hug," with a personal message from the shocker who screwed up the information input into his (or her) FrumpDell Stallion.

My Stallion is my new best friend according to BillyBob and Hillrie, the new IT Team who run and filter all Compound e-mails through the new and improved we-have-no-secrets StallionCares InstantMail System. So I am getting the best, warm, and fuzzy feeling from working with so many Team members who have nicknamed me TheShocker for my uncanny ability to give all at least one daily jolt from my Stallion.

I got to go-I am due for remedial D and D tutoring from our CTO (ChiefTrainingOfficer)-some new lady named Carly who claims to be a success in every business she has ever worked for. For some unknown reason, we have to sign a consent form titled Tazer Release to participate in Last Chance Stallion Training.