MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Vladdie drops the Hammer! Ricky P Swings and Misses with Commie Sickle! The Ukes Make Hay with the ACA!
Crimea Chokes on Fresh-Fracked But Really BAD Gas! BancCrimea Demands DoOver-Calls Rubles Screwbles and Refuses to Pay Employees with "1-Ply TP"! Vladdie Returns Fire and Guarantees That His Rubles Make Higher-Quality ToiletPaper Than Any Currency in the History of Mother Russia! AeroFlot Touts Mobile Ebola-Free "Johnskies" Stocked with Finest TP Currencies in the Skies, Including Ricos Pesos con Salsa and Floating Yen Laced with Hackable Sony MicroPorn.
Needless to say, I live a wonderful life as director of the Doc in a Pillbox at Our Lady of the Ukes Memorial AeroPort. My boss-Mr Kolomoisky-the CEO of KolowKares and "Michael Jordan #1 fan in all of Ukraine"-has assured me that Our Lady of the Ukes (his rebranded name for Dnipropetrovsk) will lead the country in health care R&D starting with my very own PJ's KK UK.
"Don't you love the way it just rolls off your tongue. American marketing-what a swell way to inflate value and deliver cheap goods at extortionist prices!
We take the ACA, jazz it up with point of purchase extras like free VickyToriaSecret bras for nursing patriot momskis, free Perry Borscht Burgers to every dad who changes 1 diaper at time of visit (a little bit of Borscht and a little bit of BS go into every PBB!), and free artificially flavored with nontoxic pink slime BeeberPops for the kiddies, and you get health care magic."
I protested and told Mr K that marketing works great for plastic surgery but not for 6-month well checks.
"Plastics? I love plastics." I've already got that angle covered and fluffed up: free Uber passes until you have the nose you dreamed of-or you get your old nose back. And we accept plastics-American Expresso/Veeza/MasterKard."
But, I fired back; you are in Our Lady of the Ukes with a huge army of Crimean nasties who want to eat your lunch. How can you talk about credit cards when you have metal bullets whizzing by your ears?
And besides what is that PJ KK UK mumbo-jumbo you're using to describe my very temporary fling at Ukranian pediatrics?
"That's the best part of the whole deal. You get to personalize your PediCenter of Uke Excellence by calling it PoppiJohn's KolowKares UrgentKare.
Your hook to market your fantastic new PediCenter? PoppiJohns-Better Borscht, Better Kare. I am telling you straight up-or is it straight down?
You will knock their Ukranian wooly socks off. These people are used to drab, freezing places staffed by doctors who work for UkeNational HealthCare and just want to find somebody to pay last month gas bill to get heat turned back on. We are taking it to the next level, Doctor John."
Of course I told MrK that my name was not Dr John and that marketing would not give these people debit cards to pay for new noses. And what did he possibly think better Borscht had to do with better care for kids?
"Of course not Dr J. Let's start with the whole name thing. What is Elton John's real name? That's right-who Kares? And that is Kares with a K because marketing is way more important than lousy spelling or a clunky first name. You have to admit-the Borscht reference is way clever cool 'cause we will give away to proud papas who receive diaper-changing free Perry Burgers made with the finest Uke Borscht you can dream of. Besides, that is why KolowKares is going to frack the hell out of this whole country, and I need healthy workers to run my fracking operations.
"Vladdie gave me the idea one night when he was lubed up with bad potato vodka. That was also when he told me this whole Crimea thing is Mother Russia's favorite unexploited natural resource along with the great Ukraine attached to it. Full of bad, stinky but very burnable unfracked gas, which he claims just like he declared dibs on Bobby Kraft's Super Bowl ring. In fact, he is still peeved that Bobby made a big deal out of his keeping that huge mother bear ring. Vladdie loves to annex property that he is fond of and then claim it was gifted to him to begin with. Or, in the case of those criminal Crimeans, convince the world that Crimea was stolen from his Russian homeland and he is merely reclaiming this homeland heaven at the invitation of the Russian patriots who live there. Quite frankly, as you Americans love to say, Vladdie got a burr in his saddle from the whole Super Bowl fiasco and he let his tacky temper take it from there. Will make fantabulous Uke reality TV show when HBO reads your next chapter of that worthless column you write that never makes any sense. Bottom line: KolowKares exists to keep my fracking workers healthy and with pure, clean non-TP US dollars in their KK BanK of the Ukes account."
Super Bowl? Super Gas? I am all for returning to my doublewide and the unmarketed, unfracked confines of TheCompound.