MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Tweeterati Go Ballistic on four-wheeler 3-wide Dirt Dawbers! Ricky P Shoots and Scores DazyMay Killshot! Wayne LaPeer Exposed as Bama Backer! Ags Roll Tide on WLP! Jonny Foosball Calls Call of Duty Audible for Ricky P! WillyClinton Dumped by HC Over Live Ammo in Cammo Closet! Guns & Ammo Names WillyC Buckshot Man of the Year! Compound ACO CEO Calls ICD-10 North Korean Commie Incursion! Kim-Ill Sun Ticked Off to the Max-Vows Launch of JuJuMissiles Loaded with West Nile Lice! Wayne LaPeer Urges ARA Members to Fire Back with LongRange Bedbug RPGs! Ricky P Tells WLP to Back Off of Official Texas Infection Control Business!

Of course, Rick did what every red-blooded Texas governor would do when faced with a boiling, escalating arms crisis-he took a holiday break to campaign for The New Ricky Perry bombs away 2016 Presidential election. RP has spent most of his campaign time getting Special Presidential Ed tutoring from his favorite Latino professor of all things political T Cruzz. TC has just about taught RP the name of every Department and Cabinet (we're talking real oak and then faux-plastic) on the WhiteHouse team roster.

And Kinky Freeman volunteered to teach "Little Ricky" how to reach out to all the members of the "Lost Texas Tribe" that find KF tasteless and disgusting but in that special way that keeps them willing to pay "outrageous sums of RCD (real cash dollars)" to receive my monthly "BlingBlog." Just kidding-Kinky would not stoop that low unless RP got "very serious" about supporting Kinky's campaign to convert every Texan into a gluten-free vegan who has to get monthly KF B-12 shots to keep his or her spirits high and his or her MCV below 90. (And yes, Kinky had the spritzy idea to call his focused vitamin monopoly The Kinkster Kash Kow. Per KF-"just kidding.")

Of course, that begs the question of how Mr ARA-Wayne LaPeer-got involved in Compound business. Well, turns out RP invited "Little Wayne" to attend the opening of the Compound's new cash cow-The Smith & Weston A & M (Arms and Munition) Factory and Game Ranch. Ricky P just about had an Aggie cow when WLP showed up and tried to take credit for importing more foreign (ie, non-Republic of Texas) pesos to our sovereign nonstate income tax territory.

Especially when Little Wayne arrived at the S&W Grand Opening wearing official TideRollsTheAgs longjohns. We're talking SEC sacrilegious.

Needless to say, WLP got totally Bama bent out of shape when Jonny Foosball ran up the score on him in what Little Wayne thought was only an Aggie-ARA exhibition of Marble Kombat-which ended with the scoreboard flashing in big ole neon Maroon letters: AggiesRollTide. Make that Steam-Rolled-Nick Sabes chokes on a Big Aggie Chili Dawg and just about bought it on national pay-per-view when his left tackle did a nifty single-arm Heimlich and broke 3 ribs and punctured his Left lower lobe-at no additional cost to season ticket holders! Now that, my Slingshot brother, is value with a capital S.

And by the way, I am not sure if Jonny Foosball graduated from an officially accredited Texas School of Higher Learning (or maybe he just had all the questions on his finals read to him-R-E-A-L S-L-O-W) 'cause he had the entire Aggie playbook tattooed on his arms and pecs so he didn't have to rely too much on his short-term recall in the heat of the battle.

So what's up with The Compound's sad attempt to build a Meaningless Use electronic ACO network of Evidence-based slightly better than mediocre care? I can only tell you that we are plunging into the abyss of converting from Compound Care-which all my pediatric team felt was better than a Compound Fracture 'cause with regular old Compound Care you didn't have to worry about calling CPS and listen to Bubba Senior gripe about baby doctors telling him how to raise his oppositionally defiant twin boys when they wreck their four-wheelers out at The Compound Dirt Dawber Speedway-to The Compound Medical Home.

This Medical Home mumbo-jumbo is way too complicated, mainly 'cause we got to keep way too much stuff in our medical records, including the fact that Bubba Senior is 2 years behind on his child support payments (which I don't began to understand 'cause he and Mrs Bubba Senior officially split up 6 months ago). And every time they wreck trying to go 3-wide into a curve on a 2-lane track, the twins-Bubba and Bubba Junior-get into a huge fight that always ends up with one of them having a broken shinbone poking through what Bubba Senior proudly refers to as a "little ole scrape." What really defies all hope for their future as twins who might some day, somehow, receive Real Parenting? The driver of that third four-wheeler who always squeezes the twins into the rail is their baby momma and Custodial Parent-Mrs Bubba Senior-who vociferously blames almost 4-year-old Bubba and Bubba Junior for driving "just like their daddy"-out of control and overdosed on Red Ball, the Official Energy Buzz sponsor for The Dirt Dawber Take No Prisoners 250. Can you say "Live Action"?