I come from a long line of "bootstrappers," excessively independent individuals who are self-starters, who do not ask for help, who have difficulty accepting unsolicited help, and who often resent any assistance. My mother, the queen of bootstrappers, used to say, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." And she did! She was a magnificent cook; she kept a beautifully organized home, she sewed and made intricate crocheted blankets, and she embroidered the edges of all of our pillowcases. When I would ask if I could help (really a plea to learn, to be included), she would say, "No, I need to do this myself." So I learned by watching when my mother let me in the room and by lurking when she wanted to work alone.
This natural tendency to bootstrap in every aspect of my life sometimes puts me in extreme overload. When my assistant at work attempts to manage my schedule more effectively, to give me more "white space" (she has learned not to say "free time"), I push back. My guess is that I share this trait with many nurses who take on too much, who make every attempt to solve problems before asking for help and who often raise their level of stress inexorably in the process. You must be thinking that I should know better; I should be living holistically; having my quiet time; planning days when I am not on e-mail; breathing diaphragmatically with aromas in the background; and meditating in a lotus position daily. I try, like you, but usually succumb, when life's pressures intervene.
I recently decided to take another tact-to take my boots off, accept offers of help, and actually ask for help in advance or when the pressures are building. There is a risk in all of this because I like things done in a particular way. So I have learned to negotiate those offers of help by describing exactly what I need or what the end product should look like. I have found that this strategy helps the helper and avoids that awful situation of having to do the job over again. I have also learned to lower my standards and not be so picky particularly when my husband, who is retired, cooks a meal, shops, or does a home project. So what if my husband's crock pot meal is not up to my gourmet standards? Why can't I just enjoy the fact that I did not have to do the cooking?
I am a natural critic-as are many nurses! We develop that critical eye to keep people safe and our feedback is quick and direct-but in the personal arena that approach does not work. I also have a very high internal locus of control; that is, I live in my head and need to be in control of my surroundings. In fact, I white-knuckle every flight I am on because I cannot sit in the cockpit to make certain the pilots are performing at peak.
Accepting help is a powerful form of self-care and I know that I can do better. So here is my plan. I am actually asking for help when I see the opportunity to lessen my load. What I need to do better is recognize those opportunities. I am agreeing to offers of help, knowing that I need not control all aspects of the process by which things get done. Finally, I am learning that self-care is not achieved in splendid isolation-it is a 2-way street and the reciprocity that accrues from accepting help is like money in life's bank.
-Gloria F. Donnelly, PhD, RN, FAAN
Editor-in-Chief